ill at ease

i am ill at ease. i feel like there's something amiss in our relationship. something has changed. it's not the lack of time. no, i don't think that's it. it seems as though he's tired of the situation. could he be? how would i know? unless he tells me so, i'd be in the dark about it.

most of the time, i feel so loved. but then, there are times when i feel so down and depressed. i feel like nobody, not even him, loves or cares for me and how i feel. *sigh*

i know he says he loves me and he shows me that. but there's really something missing. i don't know what it is exactly. he may be holding out. i wouldn't really know. i don't know what to feel exactly. all i know, is that when that piece of the puzzle shows itself to me, that'll be the time that i'd feel at ease.

it hasn't come just yet. that piece of the puzzle that i'm looking for. i don't know when it'll be coming my way. i do want to have that piece placed in the puzzle. then i'd be complete. i'd feel as happy as any human being could possibly be. i'd feel contented. i guess i'd be satisfied.

the only thing i can do is love you

i am at a loss. i don't know what to do. if you can't feel the intensity of my love for you. what am i to do? i'd do anything to make you happy. i love you with all my heart. but then again, you say i don't love you much. how can that be? when all i ever think about is you. you're always on my mind. a single hint that you are sad and i get agitated. i keep thinking what i've done wrong to make you feel so sad. at times you get so mad at me, i keep thinking what i could do so you won't be mad anymore. how can i ease your mind? i love you, you know that. the only thing i can do is love you.

time scheduling

i've been so busy for the past week. i had my first week of training at exist. ahh..it's fun. it's challenging. i enjoy being challenged. but then again, it keeps me sooooo busy. i so need to organize my time schedule. tsk! but then again, the pleasures of life tempts me so. even if i allot a specific number of hours for my fave thing to do, i'd always end up exceeding that time limit. i should discipline myself, yes. but..here i go again..with all the BUTs i can come up with. hehe! i'm really so addicted to the internet. i can't help it. it's sort of my lifeline. hehe! i really do need to figure out how i can do all the things that i NEED to do and all the things that i LOVE doing.

pushing

i can't understand the reason why you keep pushing me away. i know you've been hurt. i know how that feels. it sucks. i wouldn't wanna be in that situation again. i know you wouldn't also. but please...please trust me. trust in our love or rather trust in my love for you. i chose to love you and i stand by my choice. for as long as i can, i'll stay. just please, don't push me too hard. don't push me away. it's not easy loving someone who's far away. it's really not but i'm trying my best to make our relationship as normal as can be. but it's really hard to do that when you keep pushing me away from you. sometimes i feel like i'm forcing myself upon you. am i? it hurts so much everytime you push me away. i mean..do you really love me? why can't you fight for our love? do you think i'm just playing around? is that why you're so afraid?

i'm asking you to please trust me. i love you and i'm not going to let go that easy. if you can't trust me, this really isn't going to work. but i sooo want this to work. don't you?