a little bit of life

for the past year, my life has been quite sedentary. i can't say i regret it but i feel like i'm missing out on something.

so for some part of the year, mostly the last quarter, i tried to go out. i had dinner with friends. i went out to the mall with my officemates after work. it felt good. i felt good and healthy going out with people.

so after all those things, i realized that's what i am missing out on. i'm missing the part where one goes out with friends and just have fun talking and laughing. i guess i miss my friends. we're all so busy now. we don't have much time to spend with each other but i've realized that it's good to go out once in a while. just get together and catch up with things that we missed out on each other's lives.

i don't need to go out and drink like i used to. i just need to have my friends around.

down down down

up and down, down, down, down, down...down.

have i reached the bottom?

down, down, down...down.

is this the bottom?

down, down, down...down.


never ending. falling into the abyss. feeling empty. feeling blank. feeling lonely.

people everywhere are happy. they sing. they dance. they laugh. they smile. you can see it in their eyes, they're happy.

i sing. i dance. i laugh. i smile. but the smile never reaches my eyes. the laughter doesn't touch my heart.

what is missing?

exist hackathon 2008

we had this thing at work called hackathon. we only had 12 hours to create an application based on a question given by our director. so tiring but it was worth it. i learned a lot.

at first, i was doubting my ability to learn and code as fast as i can think. but then i did it. i mean, i'm really just a newbie in this RoR world so i don't really know a lot. i was tasked to learn how to work with gruff and i did. i learned it and integrated it into our application.

i got stuck in the middle of the day because my server wasn't working. it wouldn't start up. unfortunately, all seniors were busy. so i had to tinkle around and find a solution. one of those, i solved. i needed some dlls for postgresql. the other thing was solved by one of the seniors. hehe. i couldn't really solve all on my own. but at least i tried. right?

so here's the thing, i got stuck and the solving it part really got me stressed because i was also considering the deadline. good thing somebody helped me. hehe. at least i was able to move on to the next thing.

so we finished our app but then again, i'm not sure if it was working right. some parts were working right. i don't know about some scenarios that i haven't tested though. =D i hope it'll work every time. hehe!

a contest. what is the prize? i don't know yet. but i guess i already got something out of it. i learned. :) that's the biggest thing there. wish me luck!

i hope we win but if we don't, then it's still ok.

for how long?

i was standing on a cliff

contemplating

i dove into the deep sea below me

not knowing what was there

at first, it felt good

i thought i could take it all

then a wave hit me

i was plunged into the dark waters

after a while, i was afloat

these waves

they keep hitting me hard

still, i am afloat

but then i wonder

for how long?

demoralization

i hate the way you talk about me. well, not exactly me, but people like me. people who go to the same school as i am. i don't know what's wrong with you. but whatever it is, it has caused other people to suffer all your rude comments. they may be a joke to you but they don't seem that way to us.

you underestimate us. you think we can't do all those things that you do. uh..no..that's not it. you think we can't do even the basic stuff. well, f*ck you!

yeah. yeah. you're an expert. go ahead and brag about it. we do ask you about stuff. that's what juniors usually do. or are you not aware of that? i wish there'd be a time when i can show you i can do complicated stuff without asking for your help.

ugh! i hate you!!!

so...empty...

have you ever felt like some piece of you is missing? i feel that way. why did i break up with him again? oh yeah..right. it was supposedly the right thing.

*sigh*

i can't help but miss him. i really do love him. and it hurts so much to know that i've hurt him. hurt him bad. i know i can't get things back to the way they were. i know that. but why do i feel this way? why does it have to hurt so bad?

every night, i cry. i cry because i know it's really not meant to be. i cry for everything that i have wished for...for the dreams that have been shattered.

my heart aches for him to give me some sign that he loves me. there's not a minute that he doesn't fill my mind. why? why does it have to be this way? i feel so hollow...so empty.

the right thing

i did it. i finally did it.

after months of thinking, i finally did it. i did the right thing this time. i let go. it hurts but it's the right thing. i won't be messing up his life any more. he'll be free of me. he can go about his life not feeling guilty about having me in his life.

why does the right thing hurt? *sigh* i had to do it.

it hurts to know that he hates me now. but i don't know of any other way to have done it. i would have wanted us to be friends. but you can't have everything, right?

to you, you know who you are:
i'm sorry for everything. i hope in time you'll forgive me. i'm letting go not because of what we had fought about. i'm letting go because it's the right thing. i know, i know. you'll say why i didn't agree with you the last time. i am selfish. i know that. i really am sorry it had to end this way. you hating me was never on my mind. me hurting you was never intended. yes, i had to do what i had to do. you know how i talked to you about moving out right? i want you to start a new life. i hope that in that new life, you'd be happy. and i do love you. more than you think.